120 Questions to Ask Your Partner, Sorted by Situation

How to Use This List

The blocks run roughly from light to personal. Start wherever the moment fits, not necessarily at the top. Three or four questions in one sitting is plenty; the list is meant to last months, not one evening.

A few ground rules that keep it easy:

• Whoever asks also answers. No interviewing.
• Either person can pass on a question, no explanation needed. Move to the next one.
• There is no score and nothing to get right.
• Follow-up questions are allowed and usually better than the one on the list.

The numbering is continuous so you can mark favourites and come back to them. If you want the same list on both phones, put it behind one shared link and add the ones you invent yourselves.

Light Questions to Start

For the first minutes of a walk, a drive, or a meal. Short answers are fine here; the point is to get talking.

1. What was the best part of today, and what would you cut out of it?
2. Which song have you had stuck in your head this week?
3. What is a small thing I do that you find funny and have never mentioned?
4. If you could eat one meal from this month again, which one?
5. What is the last thing that made you laugh out loud when you were alone?
6. Which of your friends would you trust to plan a whole weekend for us?
7. What is a smell that instantly puts you in a good mood?
8. Which chore do you secretly not mind doing?
9. What is something you have been meaning to tell me but keep forgetting?
10. If you had a free hour right now, no obligations, what would you do with it?
11. What is your current favourite thing in our home?
12. What is a word or expression you use too much?

Everyday Life and Habits

For an ordinary evening at home. These are about how the two of you actually live, including the parts nobody plans.

13. What is the first thing you notice when you walk in the door?
14. Which part of our morning would you change if you could?
15. Is there a routine of mine you find comforting, even if it is a bit odd?
16. Which household task would you happily hand over to me forever?
17. When do you feel most like yourself during the week?
18. What is a habit you have kept since childhood?
19. Do you prefer a full calendar or a mostly empty one?
20. What is the ideal amount of time for us to spend apart in a week?
21. Which meal should we cook together more often?
22. What do you wish we did on Sunday evenings?
23. Is there something in the house you keep only because I like it?
24. What is one small change to our week you would like to try for a month?

Before You Met

For a long drive or a slow afternoon. These reach back to childhood, family and the years before you knew each other. Answers here tend to be longer, so leave room.

25. What was your favourite place to hide or be alone when you were a child?
26. Which adult, other than your parents, had the biggest influence on you growing up?
27. What is a family phrase or in-joke that outsiders would not understand?
28. What did you want to be at ten years old, and what happened to that idea?
29. What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
30. Is there a house or a street you still dream about?
31. Which teacher would you thank if you could?
32. What was a rule in your house that you now think was right?
33. What is a food from your childhood that you still miss?
34. Which friendship from school do you wish you had kept?
35. What is something you were sure about at twenty that you no longer believe?
36. What would your younger self be most surprised to see in your life now?

The Story of the Two of You

For an anniversary, a birthday, or any night you want to look back. Every one of these has two versions, yours and theirs, and comparing them is half the fun.

37. What was the first thing you noticed about me?
38. When did you first think this might last?
39. What is the best date we ever had, in your version of it?
40. Which small moment do you remember that I probably do not?
41. What did you think about me that turned out to be wrong?
42. Which of our habits as a couple would you keep exactly as it is?
43. What is the funniest thing that has happened to us in public?
44. Which photo of us do you like most, and why that one?
45. What is a phrase that only the two of us use?
46. What is the hardest thing we have handled together so far?
47. Which gift from me did you actually like the most, honestly?
48. If you had to describe us to a stranger in one sentence, what would you say?

The Next Few Years

For a quiet weekend, not a weeknight. These are about what each of you pictures ahead. Take them one at a time and let the answers be vague where they need to be.

49. What does a good year look like to you, in practical terms?
50. Where would you like us to be living in five years, city or countryside, same place or somewhere new?
51. What is a skill you want to have learned by then?
52. Which part of your work do you want more of, and which part less?
53. What is something you want us to have done together before the end of next year?
54. Is there a place you want to visit while a particular person is still around to go with you?
55. What tradition would you like us to start?
56. Which of our current plans are you least sure about?
57. What would you do with a whole month off?
58. How do you picture an ordinary Tuesday for us in ten years?
59. What is a decision we keep postponing?
60. Who do you want in our lives more than they are now?

Values and How You Decide

For a moment when you both have energy. These ask how each of you thinks, and the answers are more interesting when you explain the reasoning.

61. What is a promise you would never break, no matter what?
62. When you have to make a big decision, do you talk first or think first?
63. What is something people admire that you do not care about at all?
64. Which of your opinions has changed the most in the last five years?
65. What do you think you are right about that most people disagree with?
66. How do you know when to give up on something?
67. What is a kindness someone did for you that you still think about?
68. What would you refuse to do even for a lot of money?
69. Which matters more to you, being understood or being agreed with?
70. What do you want people to say about you when you are not in the room?
71. When we disagree, what helps you hear me?
72. What is a rule you live by that you have never said out loud?

Money as a Practical Conversation

For the kitchen table, with nothing else going on. These are questions about preferences and habits, not advice. The aim is to know how the other person thinks about money, not to decide anything today.

73. What was the attitude to money in the house you grew up in?
74. What do you happily spend on that other people might call a waste?
75. What do you refuse to spend on that other people find normal?
76. Do you prefer to split things evenly, by income, or by who cares more about the thing?
77. What was the best purchase you ever made, at any price?
78. Is there a purchase you regret and still own?
79. How much would you want to be asked before I spent on something for both of us?
80. If you had to pick one for this year, more time or more money?
81. What does "enough" look like to you?
82. Which of our shared costs would you cut first if we had to?
83. What is something you would like us to save toward, even slowly?
84. Is there a money topic you find hard to bring up with me?

Travel and Free Time

For planning season, or for the trip itself. These work well with a map or a notebook open, and they are the easiest block to turn into an actual plan.

85. Window seat, aisle, or driving?
86. What is the best trip you took before we met, and what made it good?
87. On holiday, do you want a plan for every day or no plan at all?
88. Which place have we been to together that you would go back to tomorrow?
89. One city seen properly, or four cities seen quickly?
90. What is your ideal first hour after arriving somewhere new?
91. Beach, mountains, or a city with good food?
92. Which trip do you talk about that we have never actually booked?
93. What do you always pack that I would never think of?
94. What is the best meal you have ever eaten away from home?
95. If we could only afford one trip in the next two years, where?
96. What do you want to do more of on weekends that costs nothing?

Hypotheticals and Humor

For when you want to laugh. These are "if" questions with no wrong answer. Go fast and do not overthink them.

97. If you could have dinner with any person from history, what would you cook?
98. If you had to teach a class tomorrow, what subject could you fill an hour with?
99. If our pet could talk for one minute, what would it complain about?
100. If you had to live in a film for a week, which one?
101. If someone made a documentary about our relationship, what would the title be?
102. If you could swap one of your talents for one of mine, which trade?
103. If we opened a small business together, what would it sell and who would run the till?
104. If you could delete one invention from the world, which one?
105. If you had to eat the same breakfast for a year, what would you pick?
106. If we were a band, what would we be called and what instrument would I play?
107. If you could relive one day from the past year exactly as it was, which day?
108. If an alien asked you to explain me in three words, which three?

Closeness

For late in the evening, with the phones away. These are about affection, attention and what each of you needs to feel close. Keep the answers between the two of you.

109. When do you feel most cared for by me?
110. What is a way I show affection that you notice but I might not?
111. Do you prefer to be asked what you need, or for me to guess and get it mostly right?
112. What is a compliment from me that you still remember?
113. When you are having a bad day, what do you want from me: space, company, or distraction?
114. What is a small gesture that means more to you than a big one?
115. Is there a way you like to be touched, held or greeted that you have never said?
116. What do you want more of from me, put as plainly as you can?
117. What is something about our closeness that you would not change at all?
118. How do you like to make up after we argue?
119. What is a moment when you felt closest to me?
120. What is one question you wish I asked you more often?

FAQ

What are good questions to ask your partner?
Ones that fit the moment. Light questions for a walk or a drive, questions about the past for a long afternoon, questions about plans for a quiet weekend. The list above is sorted that way so you can match the block to the situation.

How many questions should we do at once?
Three or four. Stop while it is still enjoyable. The numbering is continuous so you can pick up where you left off next time.

What if my partner does not want to answer one?
Skip it. Passing is part of the rules, with no explanation required. Come back to it another time or leave it.

Are these questions for new couples or long-term ones?
Both. Blocks like "Before You Met" and "The Story of the Two of You" have different answers at six months and at ten years, which is a reason to repeat them.

Do these work for long distance?
Yes. Most of them are questions you can ask on a call or by text, and a shared link lets both of you keep the same list and add to it.

Can I write my own?
That is the idea. The best question in any block is usually the follow-up you thought of while listening to the answer. Add it to the list.

Are there questions here about intimacy?
The "Closeness" block covers affection, attention and what each person needs to feel close, in a register you can use anywhere. What you do with it is yours.